Its been 11 years and counting.
Its been almost a month and a half and counting since I moved out of my brothers. Strangely, I see to have MORE money now then I did then?
Time changes so much. Sometimes it takes years for things to turn around.. patience to slowly put life on the right track. Other times.. its as though life just spins and rights itself in mere months, weeks.. even days.
I have come a long way from 11 years ago. Naturally.
I have come a hell of a long way from 5 years ago.
And things are almost day and night from one year ago.
For the first few years after my mom died I think almost everything was bad. And, I hated her for it. Everything was tinged with.. if she were here, things would not be like this. It was a struggle. Trying to afford school, life – my world went from everything to nothing in 3 months.
Five years ago, I had given up on University, was working yet another reception job that did nothing for me, and had probably what still is the worst heartbreak I could imagine. By the summer, after lots of family pressure I caved to move to Toronto..
At this point, all I wanted was to be in school. I couldn’t find a job in Toronto, even though I was bilingual. It was such hell. I thought about going to uni in TO but it was WAY too expensive.. 6 months later I moved back to mtl.
A friend form high school graciously let me stay with him for free. However, I a) underestimated that he REALLY liked me, b) was not told that he had a pot plant gow up in the basement.
ha! By summer, I was given 3 days notice to move, therefore.. homeless.. and wound up sleeping in my exes bed for over a month. lol. No sex though, impressive.
In this time, I had been accepted full time at Concordia and had a GPA of 4.0 from Mcgill over the 2 courses I took that summer. All I was seeing if the end of what I worked hard for. My dream was school!!!!
I got an apt and survived on 80$ for a month and waited 1.5 months before I could buy my school books since I had to deal with a crisis in getting my loan and bursary.
I, somehow, managed to get through this.
The last 5 years were full of accomplishments, let downs and struggle. I was working at making my life good and stable but.. it wasn’t always easy.
There were many days that I sat and hated my mom for dying. Not that she had control over it. But I hated her niot being here. I hated how hard I had to work, how much I had to struggle. I hated that I didn’t have my biggest fan and supoprter. I hated that there wasnt that one person encouraging me and believing in me every step of the way. I hated that I didn’t have that person that was supopsed to support me when things were down.
Last year… of how the last year was debaucherous. Barely getting to class and no t caring. Carousing and getting up to hijinks that I should have been doing at 20 not 26. Partying and drinking probably too much. Working like a slave and studying as much as I needed to pass.
I loved Uni and I thought of taking a Masters. Sadly, I don’t really believe in the education that Concordia gies you and McGill didn’t offer what I was looking for.
Not to mention, I had found myself living a fun filled life but also something I needed to distance myself from.
The only thing I slightly regret right now… is not staying an extra year in Montreal and work in insurance there. Would have helped my knowdlege of professional terms and franco work atmosphere.. I barely know prof lingo in ENGLISH let alone french. I don’t think I trusted myself to become responsible enough to become more work and less play.
Que cera.
All this to get to the following point.
I moved.. my last blogs tell you how awesome life is. Granted, I need to inject a little more play in my life ..
Now I think about getting a condo, where I want my work goals in 3 years, what to expect, how to move forward, how to invest the mey I make, where I would like to go on vacation.
This makes me realize why previous relationships did NOT work out. We weren’t at the right place at the right time. Sadly, no wonder I stay good friends with those guys
Speaking of boys, I always thought to myself that I’d be the type of girl to give a guy one chance if they cheated. That was until it happened last year. Then I realized.. there is no way I would be second to any other girl. Life lesson learnt!
Anyway, the anniversary came again. 11 years markin my mom’s death. This year was different. The torture has ended. I don’t hate my mom. But, I miss her. Though, I miss her every day. Now, its different. I have all these wonderful things that I should share with her! She should be here to see my successes, to see my growth. She should be here so I can take her on the vacations she always deserved but I couldn’t do cause I was too young.
When she died, part of me did too.. there is an emptines that won’t be filled. I mourned the afct she will never see me graduate high school or anything above that, she will never meet the man I marry, won’t be there when I get married, won’t be there when (if) I have children, when I buy a house, watch me succeed in a career. All these huge points that occur in life between 16 and .. well upwards to 36 I guess.
The worst struggles are over and I have overcome them. I won the university struggle, thelife struggle. Now I am left with .. oddly empty successes. I am sad she doesn’t get to experience the pride that I know she would’ve.
It was strange. It was almost like mourning all over again.
***
That and speakign of getting older. Shouldn’t I be MORE willing to settle now?
Seriously, I thought that is what women do.. they get to a point.. they let more slip by with men.
The more I have dated, the less I am wililng to put up with.
The older I get.. the pickier I get.
:/
