Dark Side

Where have gone the days that I was inspired to write my thoughts into prose and not care what anyone thought.

I never would have thought Toronto would have ruined me so quickly or I would have let it happen so easily.

Funny how you can beome the beast that you hate regardless or how much contempt you have for what you see yourself becoming.

I can maybe blame age or the desire for a stable life that is debt free. (Though honestly after watching Zeitgeist.. apparently.. no one is debt free!)

Nonetheless.. if given the choice I think I would go to Uni for the rest of my life.. if I had the money and if exams or midterms did not exist. Everytime anyone goes to start on this fantasy of winning the lotto.. the first thing I want to do is go back to school? Well, that and pay off the little debt I have, get a cute condo and travel around.. maybe 6 months of school and lotd of travelling !!

But.. I’m not rich and I don’t gamble…

Instead I ride the street car part time and walk the other half (take that to all your climate destruction cahllenges and corporate fossil fuel bastards!) then I work in teh corner of the office like a sweet little hamster desperately trying to get the carrot..

I am reasonably disillusioned with life and my part in the whole running of the system. Mind you .. I seem to be able to succeed at this system part. Impressing the right people and even having the right people talking. Who am I to complain when I have the VP of a 140 person office happily chatting about hiring me into his dept at the xmas party I wasn’t even at.. Better yet, I respect this guy and look forward to learning from him what it takes to make the next step to a career by the end of next year.

Eventually Uni will see me in it again.. perhaps in Sociology.. but not until I do CIP, CRM, FCIP and possibly FRM (a new bloody insurance accreditation I found out about today) In 5 years I will have pratically 2 masters by insurance standards. Aim high I say.. knowledge is power and combined with inherrent comprehension of how to deal with people = career at a proper level.

That’s the goal and it’s being executed at a far quicker speed than anticipated this time last year. So .. celebration. Celebrate my hopeless enslavement people!!!

("None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe")

Mind you .. if all else fails.. I move back to Montreal and actually have a life I enjoy surrounded by people I have respect for.

Respect is something I have a VERY hard time extending to people in TO. Honestly, if I meet one other person with an insolent attitude of hey look what I have (oh Gucci..), or.. oh look at me going to the Leafs game in platinum seats or.. oh wow.. look at me and my new best friend .. a host of some show

Honestly. It says alot about someone and their self confidence if all they have to show for themself or how they present themself is by who they know or what they own. I’ve said it before.. but I have no respect for people who define themselves by what they own or who they know .. ESPECIALLY not when presented in a grossly obvious way to impress people.

Who the fuck really is impressed by that? Am I missing out on something? People who live their life this way and deeply shallow.. (play on words was not on purpose..)

Meh.. meanwhile I get excited about my successes which I am proud of because I have worked hard for them and I appreciate smaller things.. but I talk about them in a blog that no one likely reads.. but.. it’s kinda like my open diary..

Speaking of diaries.. do I have the balls to talk about the boys (who might turn into *one* man) in my life..

As in work .. I am loyal to a fault.. generally to people who don’t deserve this. My remedy for this situation is something that I will not DARE to write on this..

Best way I solve this is.. if/when I start to like someone so much .. I look for thigns to hate.. usually not terribly hard to find really. It’s too bad life doesn’t allow me to feel the way I want and have it reciprocated the way it should without the inherent baggage most people have.

End results of all relationships I’ve have had with men.. no matter how serious.. is best summed up with .. not knowing what they have (or could have) til its gone.

I am probably a model woman of why divorce has increased over the last years. As independence has grown in women.. the less they feel it necessary to rely on a man..

I don’t need anyone. I hate that word need. What I want is someone that I can be 100% vulnerable with

I have yet to meet a man who can whoI can entrust enough confidence to have no barrier physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or sexually from me. I’m protected like Fort knox!

Nothing is what it seems I guess.. Appearances (not just outward) can be extremely deceiving…

I’ll have to try to find some material that sets off a little passion in me to actually keep this blooging up.. instead of meanial work updates every handful of months..

heaven forbid I become as insipid as a Toronto person only caring about work