If it ain’t broke.. don’t fix it.

I’ve never understood why people pick one day out of the year to promise to make better choices in their life? Shouldn’t self-improvement be an ongoing thing? I have a list of things that I want to accomplish this year.. both for my physical well bring, my social well being, career related, financial related..

 

Last year was excellent.  A couple of stumbles along the way but life is falling into place better than I envisioned. I xpect the same for this year..

I didn’t make a list… but I know some things need to get done and others I want to get done.. baby steps/giant leaps.. whatever it takes.

 

I’m happy about the now and I am excited for the future! Well, except for my intrepid occasional hatred for TO and all things that go along with it > that is probably my biggest challenge of any year is to not hate the city/ppl as much as I do.

 

Maybe I’ll write up a list this weekend.. I need to write up a list anyway for my new boss .. future goals and what I have already accomplished. I need to secure myself a proper raise in april!

 

2009

Where have gone the days that I was inspired to write my thoughts into prose and not care what anyone thought.

 

I never would have thought Toronto would have ruined me so quickly or I would have let it happen so easily.

Funny how you can beome the beast that you hate regardless or how much contempt you have for what you see yourself becoming.

 

I can maybe blame age or the desire for a stable life that is debt free. (Though honestly after watching Zeitgeist.. apparently.. no one is debt free!)

Nonetheless.. if given the choice I think I would go to Uni for the rest of my life.. if I had the money and if exams or midterms did not exist. Everytime anyone goes to start on this fantasy of winning the lotto.. the first thing I want to do is go back to school? Well, that and pay off the little debt I have, get a cute condo and travel around.. maybe 6 months of school and lotd of travelling !!

 

But.. I’m not rich and I don’t gamble…

 

Instead I ride the street car part time and walk the other half (take that to all your climate destruction cahllenges and corporate fossil fuel bastards!) then I work in teh corner of the office like a sweet little hamster desperately trying to get the carrot..

I am reasonably disillusioned with life and my part in the whole running of the system. Mind you .. I seem to be able to succeed at this system part. Impressing the right people and even having the right people talking. Who am I to complain when I have the VP of a 140 person office happily chatting about hiring me into his dept at the xmas party I wasn’t even at.. Better yet, I respect this guy and look forward to learning from him what it takes to make the next step to a career by the end of next year.

 

Eventually Uni will see me in it again.. perhaps in Sociology.. but not until I do CIP, CRM, FCIP and possibly FRM (a new bloody insurance accreditation I found out about today) In 5 years I will have pratically 2 masters by insurance standards. Aim high I say.. knowledge is power and combined with inherrent comprehension of how to deal with people = career at a proper level.

That’s the goal and it’s being executed at a far quicker speed than anticipated this time last year. So .. celebration. Celebrate my hopeless enslavement people!!!

("None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe")

 

Mind you .. if all else fails.. I move back to Montreal and actually have a life I enjoy surrounded by people I have respect for.

Respect is something I have a VERY hard time extending to people in TO. Honestly, if I meet one other person with an insolent attitude of hey look what I have (oh Gucci..), or.. oh look at me going to the Leafs game in platinum seats or.. oh wow.. look at me and my new best friend .. a host of some show

Honestly. It says alot about someone and their self confidence if all they have to show for themself or how they present themself is by who they know or what they own. I’ve said it before.. but I have no respect for people who define themselves by what they own or who they know .. ESPECIALLY not when presented in a grossly obvious way to impress people.

Who the fuck really is impressed by that? Am I missing out on something? People who live their life this way and deeply shallow.. (play on words was not on purpose..)

Meh.. meanwhile I get excited about my successes which I am proud of because I have worked hard for them and I appreciate smaller things.. but I talk about them in a blog that no one likely reads.. but.. it’s kinda like my open diary..

 

Speaking of diaries.. do I have the balls to talk about the boys (who might turn into *one* man) in my life..

As in work .. I am loyal to a fault.. generally to people who don’t deserve this. My remedy for this situation is something that I will not DARE to write on this..

Best way I solve this is.. if/when I start to like someone so much .. I look for thigns to hate.. usually not terribly hard to find really. It’s too bad life doesn’t allow me to feel the way I want and have it reciprocated the way it should without the inherent baggage most people have.

 

End results of all relationships I’ve have had with men.. no matter how serious.. is best summed up with .. not knowing what they have (or could have) til its gone.

 

I am probably a model woman of why divorce has increased over the last years. As independence has grown in women.. the less they feel it necessary to rely on a man..

I don’t need anyone. I hate that word need. What I want is someone that I can be 100% vulnerable with I have yet to meet a man who can whoI can entrust enough confidence to have no barrier physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or sexually from me. I’m protected like Fort knox!

 

Nothing is what it seems I guess.. Appearances (not just outward) can be extremely deceiving…

 

I’ll have to try to find some material that sets off a little passion in me to actually keep this blooging up.. instead of meanial work updates every handful of months..

heaven forbid I become as insipid as a Toronto person only caring about work

 

I passed my RIBO

I am now officially a broker of Insurance

I am starting my CIP

 

Education is good

but it doesn’t replace inate professionalism, tact and communicative skills.

 

I finally got my VISA nonsense straightened out.. after YEARS .. YEAARS

ugh.. never ever debt AGAIN.. stupid 21 yr old nonu I was

 

My passport is coming too fianlly..

 

Thereis hope that I will one day get my txes done too!

 

Now .. all I can think about is the beach.. adn my feet in the sand.. sipping on a pina coloda and relaxing.. having a moment to reflect and refocus.. which I need

 

I’m satisfied

.. for now

Its been 11 years and counting.

Its been almost a month and a half and counting since I moved out of my brothers. Strangely, I see to have MORE money now then I did then?

 

Time changes so much. Sometimes it takes years for things to turn around.. patience to slowly put life on the right track. Other times.. its as though life just spins and rights itself in mere months, weeks.. even days.

 

I have come a long way from 11 years ago. Naturally.

I have come a hell of a long way from 5 years ago.

And things are almost day and night from one year ago.

 

For the first few years after my mom died I think almost everything was bad. And, I hated her for it. Everything was tinged with.. if she were here, things would not be like this. It was a struggle. Trying to afford school, life – my world went from everything to nothing in 3 months.

 

Five years ago, I had given up on University, was working yet another reception job that did nothing for me, and had probably what still is the worst heartbreak I could imagine. By the summer, after lots of family pressure I caved to move to Toronto..

At this point, all I wanted was to be in school. I couldn’t find a job in Toronto, even though I was bilingual. It was such hell. I thought about going to uni in TO but it was WAY too expensive.. 6 months later I moved back to mtl.

 

A friend form high school graciously let me stay with him for free. However, I a) underestimated that he REALLY liked me, b) was not told that he had a pot plant gow up in the basement.

ha! By summer, I was given 3 days notice to move, therefore.. homeless.. and wound up sleeping in my exes bed for over a month. lol. No sex though, impressive.

 

In this time, I had been accepted full time at Concordia and had a GPA of 4.0 from Mcgill over the 2 courses I took that summer. All I was seeing if the end of what I worked hard for. My dream was school!!!!

 

I got an apt and survived on 80$ for a month and waited 1.5 months before I could buy my school books since I had to deal with a crisis in getting my loan and bursary.

I, somehow, managed to get through this.

 

The last 5 years were full of accomplishments, let downs and struggle. I was working at making my life good and stable but.. it wasn’t always easy.

There were many days that I sat and hated my mom for dying. Not that she had control over it. But I hated her niot being here. I hated how hard I had to work,  how much I had to struggle. I hated that I didn’t have my biggest fan and supoprter. I hated that there wasnt that one person encouraging me and believing in me every step of the way. I hated that I didn’t have that person that was supopsed to support me when things were down.

 

Last year… of how the last year was debaucherous. Barely getting to class and no t caring. Carousing and getting up to hijinks that I should have been doing at 20 not 26. Partying and drinking probably too much. Working like a slave and studying as much as I needed to pass.

 

I loved Uni and I thought of taking a Masters. Sadly, I don’t really believe in the education that Concordia gies you and McGill didn’t offer what I was looking for.

 

Not to mention, I had found myself living a fun filled life but also something I needed to distance myself from.

 

The only thing I slightly regret right now… is not staying an extra year in Montreal and work in insurance there. Would have helped my knowdlege of professional terms and franco work atmosphere.. I barely know prof lingo in ENGLISH let alone french. I don’t think I trusted myself to become responsible enough to become more work and less play.

 

Que cera.

 

All this to get to the following point.

I moved.. my last blogs tell you how awesome life is. Granted, I need to inject a little more play in my life ..

 

Now I think about getting a condo, where I want my work goals in 3 years, what to expect, how to move forward, how to invest the mey I make, where I would like to go on vacation.

This makes me realize why previous relationships did NOT work out. We weren’t at the right place at the right time. Sadly, no wonder I stay good friends with those guys

Speaking of boys, I always thought to myself that I’d be the type of girl to give a guy one chance if they cheated. That was until it happened last year. Then I realized.. there is no way I would be second to any other girl. Life lesson learnt!

 

Anyway, the anniversary came again. 11 years markin my mom’s death. This year was different. The torture has ended. I don’t hate my mom. But, I miss her. Though, I miss her every day. Now, its different. I have all these wonderful things that I should share with her! She should be here to see my successes, to see my growth. She should be here so I can take her on the vacations she always deserved but I couldn’t do cause I was too young.

 

When she died, part of me did too.. there is an emptines that won’t be filled. I mourned the afct she will never see me graduate high school or anything above that, she will never meet the man I marry, won’t be there when I get married, won’t be there when (if) I have children, when I buy a house, watch me succeed in a career. All these huge points that occur in life between 16 and .. well upwards to 36 I guess.

The worst struggles are over and I have overcome them. I won the university struggle, thelife struggle. Now I am left with .. oddly empty successes. I am sad she doesn’t get to experience the pride that I know she would’ve.

 

It was strange. It was almost like mourning all over again.

 

 

***

That and speakign of getting older. Shouldn’t I be MORE willing to settle now?

Seriously, I thought that is what women do.. they get to a point.. they let more slip by with men.

The more I have dated, the less I am wililng to put up with.

 

The older I get.. the pickier I get.

:/

mmmm… so much can change in one year.. even less than one year. 6 months!

 

I don’t think I have ever been this geniunely happy.

Honestly. I have somehow met this perfect point in my life, everything is perfect and I don’t see it changing. It took so much sweat and tears to get to this.. but it’s well worth it.

The best is to see the future and how  much it has to offer me. So much I can make of it.

Granted, I still have lots more tinkering to do.. but nonetheless.. it has been an amazing year thus far and I am proud

 

Nine months ago, I was complaining about work, school and money. By June I had the seed to plant the right ideas.

By July I had formally decided that I was finishing school up an moving to Toronto for work.

 

Tough decision to make. Last time Toronto went completely belly up for me and I was absolutely miserable. And, Montreal is and always will be awesome.

I have the most awesome of friends there. I kept meeting new great friends.. I had become comfortable.

Great apt right downtown, work a 7 minute walk away. Life wasn’t bad.. at all.

A plethora of hot french boys to pick from, awesome places to hang out and party at.. amazing times out.

That – was my girls gone wild phase. Duly needed and happily (mostly) outta my system.

 

My brother drove me and my stuff back to Toronto and I was greeted warmly by my brother. It was really nice that my family was very supportive of this time for me.

Looking for jobs was a bit of a mission. I had 4 companies in serious running for me and I chose Willis.

A career in commercial insurance. I found the company – brought my resumer directly to them in person. No placement agency on this one!

 

Work has been great. My boss is amazing! Nice people in general, whole office. No complaints. I have settled into work very well and they already have me training a new girl within 4 months. They have more faith in my abilities than I do!Soon I will take over some special accounts.

 

I am figuring about 3 years to account manager and 7 or 8 until I can be producer of accounts. This is 2 years ahead of what I orginally planned. Go deb!

 

M friends here are quite awesome too. And it’s nice to visit home and have my girls come visit me here <3

 

I fianlly found an apt. Very nice. In a harmless ghetto.. not fancy as Dr. Penfield haha but is quite ok. Getting my exercise with 1 hour walks to work. oh ya!

 

Since September everything has been just falling into place.

Life is so good.. it’s almost stupid..

 

I honestly didn’t think it could get this good and I can’t WAIT until it keeps getting better. Even shitty days are ok.. which is almost bizarre. A rough day at work doesn’t throw me.. it’s one day and the next day is better..

 

I love you life

Incessant waiting is making my brain absolutely numb.

Living with 6 other people is driving me mad.

I must say my family has been really good to me so far, accomodating as well. But, suffice to say, living in a 5 and half with ONE other person to this .. is a little hair raising. I need Debbie time.

I am anxious, impatient and my mind is set into over drive. I feel like I am about to snap. The only cure is to write, easier said then done when you have a child saying’ auntie debbie.. what are you doing’ every 5 minutes.
Also, I need time by myself. Thankfully, yesterday I found a beach and marsh. Yes, a beach. With sand! Tomorrow I will go there in the afternoon for Debbie time

*************************

Random Thought.

Ever look for an escape in something you KNOW – realistically – is a bad Idea. But you delude yourself into thinking this is what you want. Bad timing infests your plan and wants and desires.
Yet, nothing will rain on your parade. Why? Because you are delusional.

The rational brain sees other people actions and words for exactly what they are … however, you begin to find excuses. Your mind has the capability of concocting all sorts of fantasies in order for you to feel like you haven’t failed or lost your pride.
It’s only when you have gotten bored or found another game that you finally close the book on said fantasy.

Maybe this is less unusual than I suspect but I am led to believe it takes a very ‘special’ brain to operate with such fervour. How many people rationally know what they are doing is hopeless yet pursue to the bitter end.

Maybe I can blame my mother for always believing in me no matter what I wanted to do?

******************************

Speaking of my mother.
Let’s note that my family has gotten strike ONE against them this weekend regarding her and well some stuff.
That will be fixed once I complain to my aunts about it.

Come to think of it.. it was that event with regareds to my mom that got me into a tizzy. If I explained I Would sound greedy but it’s really about the principle of things ..

***************************

Spadina.

A conversation went from "where’s Richmond", "I work in movies", "looking for extras", "Extras make $450 per sccene which lasts about 3 hours", "I’m from Florida", "actually in is porn but it really is just extra work.. like before the sex starts"

Meaghanne has a latino ass, I have big boobs (though not sure how this guy thought B cup size was big) and we were offered to be ‘extras’ in porn.
That guy was quite possibly the worst casting agent ever.. that night I looked like a day old prostitute who worked too hard the night before. ouash.

oh.. I also loved when he asked "Well, girls, do you know why they want me to act in porn?"
hmm.. lemme guess a) there is NO acting is porn.. retard. b) you have good stamina and a big cock. Congrats. Move along.

Nice to know random stuff like that can happen in Toronto.. cause that is DEF a montreal story.

*************************

Today marks the first day that I really miss Montreal, home and my montreal friends.
Had to happen eventually.
I am surprised it took this long actually.

*sigh*

mm Off I go to an interview.. because I am a PHENOMENAL candidate who is still unemployed? indeed.

Ok. So.
I am taking a plane.. tomorrow.. to Calgary.. and suddenly began to freak right out about it. Serious.
This is the longest flight I have ever taken.. well.. at least all at one time.. no changes.
I am booked on 13F and .. like 13? .. isn’t that a bad number? isn’t this unlucky?
further more .. aren’t the engines around there? I can’t figure out from my plane diagrams whether or not I am near the engine.. dammit!

In times of need however, I have been researching accidents for airlines..
http://www.airsafe.com/events/airlines/aircan.htm

5 July 1970 – 109 people died because of a fucked landing. ..

(mental note: landing is a bad thing.. be scared)

26 June 1978 – tire busted on takeoff. 2 of 102 people died. ..

(mental note: takeoffs can kill you too! Though.. not as much?)

3 June 1983 – in flight fire..23 of 41 ppl died due ot smoke and fire.

(mental note: you can die while in flight too.. great..)

23 July 1983 – plane ran out of fuel. No one died.

(mental note: ask crew if we have enough calculated fuel according to the weight of plane?)

16 December 1997 – Bad visibility on landing.. no one died but it was a close one.

Ok, so now I have educated myself on planes and fatalities. Honestly, not sure whether I should feel good about the lack of AC plane crashes or worried that it is just a matter of time before one spirals and crashes

ouf. I hope that a) the person beside me is a cute boy who I can hide into or b) the person beside me doesn’t stink or isn’t scared of flying either.. and c) I hope that the difference of oxygen doesn’t get me too drunk while on the flight.

..
Finally, I will be in Calgary at the stampede from the 5th until 15th.
Giddy Up?

I am the most thrilled and exuberant girl .. possibly on earth right now.
Why? WHY?

Because I am finally taking more control over my life and being proactive.
I am doing what *I* want to make *me* happy and .. quite frankly.. it is thrilling.

So thank you the month of May and every bozo I dated for making me realize a few things.
1) I have to stop dating guys because I a) should give them a chance b) have nothing better to do or c) because someone else thinks it is a good idea.
2) I can’t bitch about work when I don’t do anything about it.
3) I deserve some things and should not settle for anything less than what I work to put into something.
4) I need to appreciate the people in my life who are real and loyal.

For the last 3 years I have been convinced I need to become a bitch. Because I am too loyal and way too nice to people.
Then I realized, I need to do things for me because *I* want to.
Simple as that. That’s not being bitchy, that’s being happy.

So, I took an oath of ceibacy.. no sex, masturbation or kissing (if you only knew how kissy I am drunk.. look at the pics.. ha.)
Then, I made diet changes. I added things like.. spinach, zucchini and eggplant to my food. I must say.. baked with olive oil and spices and its pretty good. Serious. Granted, I still eat some chocolate.. I am a girl after all

And the best thing.. I found a new job! And.. I can find another if I don’t like this one!! I do NOT have to be loyal to a company that isn’t with me or doesn’t give me the credit I deserve!!!!
So fucking empowering. No more.. why is everyone getting good shifts when I have been here 1 year and they haven’t
No more wallowing in it!!!! More like.. find a new job and demand good shifts right away, get them and make money.
So easy.

It’s a lesson in giving back what people are giving to you.
I so love life and all my favourite people in it.
I am even walking one hour to work

Debbie version 2.0 had been released! New and improved!! and LOVING life and all her capabilities
so so happy.. so happy

Every couple of months I begin to feel as though I am fighting destiny. Ihave no idea what the hell could be my life’s destiny but it feels like I am taking the opposite trajectory and subsequently bashing my head against a wall.

 

I’ve really had this ridiculously crappy week. Everything was going swimmingly.. which always puts me on edge.. then booooooooom everything started to fall like dominoes.

 

First school. Account assessment, bad timing, removal of course and bam.. major financial difficulties! Like .. significantly bad.

 

Then, work. When is work NOT a problem though? Lately, it’s been drama filled.. but that I enjoy cause it’s like living a sordid In Touch lifestyle. It’s also.. not been busy. This I don’t like so much. Another thing I am significantly pissed off about- a new girl getting one of the best shifts of the week after working there for 3 days while I have worked there for a year and still slaving away working one of the worst days of the week.

 

for me it comes down to loyalty and dependability. At a job I figure this: you go there, do a good job and are rewarded by promotions of whatever the sort.. including getting better shifts. I don’t bitch or complain. I do my job.. and then NOTHING. My pride has made me quit jobs on the spot and I am totally leabing to that right now.

 

Of course, said loyalty.. last week instead of going to TO like I had planned I stayed home to work.. a ‘omgits going to be so busy we need you’ weekend. There was a part of me that figure.. ool I can make more money and the other part that stayed because I don’t want to piss off the manager that my shifts depend on. So I stay and then find out new girl get optimal shift.

 

This .. among other things.. has made me concluded one thing, I should live my life completely for me and what I want to do and be more selfish. I keep doing things to please others.. work, family, friends.. whatever. Truth is .. no on .. NO ONE lives their life foranyone other than themselves.. and *I* need to start adopting this attitude. RIGHT. NOW.

 

Now, because of work I couldn’t make the Econoline Crush show in TO that weekend. So on wednesday I decided to go to the show in Kingston. I was on the bus 30 minutes, just getting into kirkland when I am told he show has been cancelled. Beauty. Because of the transit strike.. I couldn’t have gotten back to montreal from there. Two hours later.. half way to kingston I get a call from work asking if I could work that night.. another -$200. To get to and Kingston for no concert.. cost $130.. Band blamed it on the promoter but I have a hard time believing that because the venue didn’t know until 5 hours before they were scheduled to be onstage.

 

Then there is my family. I have explained my brother’s insanity with dating before. I like talking to him because he makes me realize that I am not nearly as stupid nor hopeless as he is in the love department. I truly love both my brothers but Jame.. seriously.. what the fuck.

??

!?

I don’t get it. Evidently, now he is in love with a Russian girl he met online one month ago. He tells us she is a beautiful pediatrician (at 26 years old) who is looking for a good man (Debbie reads green card here) because ALL (hahaha) the men in Russia (not only russia hon) are jerks.

So, instead she makes kissy kissy with my bozo brother in a whole different continent who lives in my other brother’s basement, on unemployment.

But, he tells me this is love and he has to meet her.. she is coming in a week for a 4 week vacation.. funny how she just happened to have those extra 2 weeks from last year.

I hope she ends up being a 40 year old fat man

haha. I love my brother but he is as gullible as they come and ridiculously hopeless when it comes to love. Like I told meaghanne he would fall in love with my cat stormy if we dessed him in a dress.

All I have said is.. first get your life together, then find a girl in yuor OWN city around your OWN age.. not stupid young girls wanting to take him for a ride.

I’m sure the fluffy clouds and unicorns in my brother’s world will frolick along and bring with them some more happy drugs and delusional LSD to let my brother keep living in Jameland.

I want to visit!

 

Speaking of which… I am 12 years younger than that romeo brother of mine. I have not been for numerous rides like my brother has been with materialistic women.. however, at 26 years of age.. I have had it. Totally finished, fed up. Every guy I meet now is worse than the last and they are making Patrick (not pat) but Patrick.. look like an ANGEL.. that is totally bad bad news.

I swear I spent a whole day contemplating lesbianism.. then I decided that I would take an oath of celibacy. I am the next coming of mother theresa.. just the contemporary selfish version. Saints don’t exist in the world right now.

 

So .. yes you heard it.. no sex, masturbation.. and no kissing either. Has been easy to do since I decided this while on my period and hating men.. let’s just see how strong I am when actual temptation will be around. I swear if I manage this for a month  can do ANYTHING

 

(I won’t even bother going into my lack of faith in men.. you can read it in a book that will be released in the coming years.. look for your name there too boys ! haha! I will make a profit of everyone who has done me wrong or any other nonsense I have found myself in haha.. woohoo .. it’s all fodder for introspective literary genius!)

 

..

Just as a side note: What is up with downtown flora? Holy shit. Last year I thought it was bad when I walked around and they started planting hese pathetic ghetto wilting flowers around the trees on the sidewalk. Ugly as hell. You’d fine nicer in the dead heat of summer in the middle of a low class trailer park. Serious.

This year, Montreal has hit a new low though.. now we have what looks to be little wilting plants in every SECOND tree. And all you see is dehydrated ground and these pathetic plants that are probably weeds. What kind of cosmopolitan city does something so ridiculous.. Just put some grass or something.. but not weeds!!!! ugh. I should take a pic of it!!!

 

And that’s it for now.. I will update more now that I am asexual and dateless for the next little while. Thought don’t expect any excitement! Not that there has been much lately anyway.. (or at least none that I will write here muahaha)

 

 

I love having people over.. ! Since the warm weather has began.. the fun has started.

Road trips, people over for the weekend, corrupting the innocent, lewd pictures, hangovers at work

The last thing mentioned.. not so cool

 

I feel like I am in the strangest mental position right now. On the precipice of huge changes, which I look forward to with equal amounts of bated breath and sheer enthusiasm. A change I need, yes. For the better, who’s to say. Change will happen, I need it to push myself out of the comfortability I currently have and strive towards better. In the meantime, I am letting the good times roll.

 

***************

 

Destiny

 

My idealistic side believes in fate.

My realistic side believes in making your own luck in life.

 

I think that the most successful people in life are those able to navigate life’s unexpectancies and turn them into something positive.

 

***************

 

I suffer from the Goldilocks Disorder. You are either good enough for someone, too good for them or definetely not good enough for them.

Kinda like a point system. Not about looks but the WHOLE package.. I’d say I would be about 7 on 10? Granted I am still not sure that the point system should maybe be higher than a 10 point system.. perhaps a 20 point system?

Anyway.. I have concluded that the last year I have dated under 7. Not sure why.

 

So wierd. Thought I was doing well and moving forward. Then, one thing sort of jilts me. 6 weeks and I still want an answer?

For all my creativity and abstract thinking.. there is a large part of me that needs logical explanations to firmly have things make sense inside my sweet little head where the hamster is running like a druggie on 100 hits of speed.

 

Things aren’t always as they appear I guess.

how long! how long?

how long…